Friday, August 27, 2004
Again.
You had appeared when I least expected you to.
I hate the way you gaze at me at turn away.
As if we are complete strangers.
And you just had to be at the opposite bus-stop today,
when I've NEVER seen you there before.
This is irrefutably infuriating.
After O levels.
You'll see what I'm capable of.
7:21 PM
Time didn't have much effect in this friendship.
Despite all this while, you never trusted me enough.
So here I am, in the silhouette of nothingness.
Still not cognizant to your bona fide inner self.
Fuck that? Yeah, maybe.
7:00 PM
Thursday, August 26, 2004
I'm going to be dancing on Aces Day!
Dancing to the song 'Faint - Linkin Park'.
Interesting aye?
Meanwhile, I have to catch up on the dance steps
that I've missed for the last two years.
Sigh, I'm exhausted.
And
Sean, if you ever read this,
I know I've been prejudiced against you before,
and that's my slip-up.
I shouldn't have judged based on my own perceptions,
but on the authencity of who you are.
We are not exactly personally acquainted,
therefore I retract my inequitable denunciation abt you.
Hope you'll prove my assessment erroneous in time to come.
11:36 PM
To Sem.
1st Apology.
It is rather ridiculous for me to retract
what has been said and what's etched into your mind.
Therefore I can only offer my contritions regarding my imprudence.
Base line,
I'm sorry.
I guess I had it way over my head
when I blatantly dispensed my tactless words.
Reason being that resentment had obfuscated the fact
that I should have clarified matters before I passed judgement.
My blunder.
2nd Apology
Culpable and mortified I am to have even doubted you
when you were once my best friend.
Truthfully, I knew all your attributes do not tally with
the accusations of what you have done,
but yet I was reluctant to confront the truth,
because I was imbued with my appalling antagonism.
I guess I had let my angst got to the better of me,
and let it obscure the authencity of what was happening.
With all sincerity I have, I apologise.
I guess I've never really gotten over what has happened between us
and allowed myself to let that occurence affect my discretion.
I'm seriously a swine, ain't i?
3rd Apology
I've came to realise that I am too ignorant at times.
I shouldn't have disparaged and reviled your classmates
when they were the ones who have been there for you.
Especially when I hardly am.
They made you laugh, smile, enjoy school,
while I do not have the ability to do so.
I know I had taken a serious wrong step,
and I truly regret it.
I assure you that I will not commit the similar faux pas again.
I'm sorry.
6:24 PM
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Dear dearest Andrea,
First and foremost, I completely agree with you
regarding the birthday issue.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
What's the point of making me feel special on that stupid day
and everything will be gone together in the next 24hours.
Bullshit.
But anyhow, don't let that dampen your spirits. =x
So much for contradiction, I know. hehe.
Anyway, I'm SORRY LA. (notice, I use Singlish too HOR!)
Just that, certain entries are not for comprehension.
Since it's extremely bothersome to lock my blog,
I'd rather type in something I comprehend and others don't.
Privacy reasons. :)
And next time, you can just ask me instead of reading those silly entries.
They are irrefutably a waste of time.
By the way, what exactly do I do to piss you off?
Let me in on that.
In case I feel like pissing you off again. :D
And just to let you know.
I
really miss those long crazy conversations we had.
What happened to your webcam?!
Your silly faces NEVER fails to slick a grin onto my toadface.
Ahh, I just miss you, You, and YOU. :
l
As for the thanks and all,
just like you've said to me before,
No need for that formality.
You've done quite a lot for me as well.
I truly sincerely genuinely appreciate that.
And I'm equally glad you're my friend. :)
I love you! ol cranky woman.
12:06 AM
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better
if I were still schooling in St Margs.
Maybe then, I would actually comprehend whatever
my friends are laughing and nattering about when we're out.
I just get so fatigue trying to mingle in,
that currently, I just give up and recoil to my own world.
Truthfully, I abhor it whenever that occurs.
I'd be totally reticent and barely communicate with others.
I know my friends probably suppressed that infuriation.
I genuinely apologise.
If I was never compelled to leave St Margs,
perhaps I'd still be that close to all those I've cherished so much.
Then again, I could have still made the effort to kept the friendship going.
Culpability still directed at me.
I did put in effort to maintain a certain important friendship,
but things didn't work out in the end.
Even better, she and I hardly converse anymore.
So much for salvaging friendships,
bursting out uncontrollably and humiliating myself in front of others,
with hurt ripping me relentlessly from the inside out.
Fuck that.
Anyway, it did struck me that maybe it ain't so bad
transferring over to Ghim Moh instead.
The teachers there are sincerely concerned
and the variety of kids there makes it fascinatingly interesting.
Like frequent fights in the canteen
sure adds up to some form of astounding entertainment.
Best of all, teachers are barely involved.
However, everyone has formed their own clique of chums.
Despite being able to mingle with one bunch of great friends,
I'm still just the additional one trying to blend in.
AGAIN.
And perhaps now that I may not be involved in any conflicts
arising between a few parties or whichever in St Margs,
I'd be able to retain neutrality and offer what I can give.
Though it's not quite exactly an enjoyable feeling,
knowing that you're hardly updated on what's going on,
and you're usually the last to know on the latest happenings.
But since when were we given a choice of having the best of both worlds?
There's always an equilibrium of negativity and positivity.
I usually do not kvetch and divulge this much at once,
but I really can't be bothered to conceal the authenticity this time around.
Rk : I appreciate you droppin' that note. :)
11:18 PM
belle's vision is definitely obscuring.
Everything's a blur as of currently.
It's as if every letter I'm typing has a silhouette.
I've got to get my eyes checked again.
Simply perfect.
My stomach was churning with fire which
was biting every inch of my walls last night.
Great huh, the torture of food poisoning.
Mom didn't really bother then because
she deemed it to be of nothing serious.
Hah, I just wished someone would call or msg then.
But of course, everyone's busy.
Yes, belle's being hedonistic again.
Okay, i'll shut up. =x
1:31 PM
Monday, August 23, 2004
She admitted that she had a crush on me before.
Well, I won't exactly call it 'admit' because
I still have not affirmed whether it was purely a joke or not.
I was truly gobsmacked when
she told me.
It was definitely not what I have intended to hear.
Both of us were really flabberghasted by her reply.
Elaine instantaneously added that it was a gag,
when I literally dropped my pen on the floor
and had actual difficulty retrieving it up.
So, intuitively
she laughed along as well.
However,
she did no corroboration regarding the 'gag'.
She did not deny, nor did
she further admit.
Although there was once when
she started to get rather close to me though.
Even elaine and the rest noticed and notified me so.
Ahhh, belle's just thinking too much, yes??
Yes.
7:47 PM
Sunday, August 22, 2004
don't think I'm missing,
just constantly thinking of you.
9:10 PM
I wouldn't deem myself to be an awesome sister,
but at least I'm taking a crack to be one.
Honestly, where were you?
when dad and I waged war with each other?
when Jarrell was impugned for what he did not commit?
I can't come to terms with your logic of 'steering away from trouble'.
you just seem to shut yourself away from our "homely issues".
And only after the episode of 'all hell breaks lose',
you would suddenly emerge from your own abode
and try to clear up the debris.
That I can't comprehend, not at all.
Yes, you were never known to be a delinquent like me,
you hardly triggered off sparks that would cause
this entire household into sweltering blazes.
You are a better daughter, better sister, better grandchild.
Despondency isn't what you bring to this family, unlike me.
You are undeniably brilliant, but you just dont seem to be there
whenever Jarrell or I needed an assisting hand.
How can you possibly shut yourself away from all the hollering
and not bother to come down and bring everything to a halt?
It's like everyone's living their own lives here in this household.
Yet you are the one who wants this family to be whole?
It's rather paradoxical, ain't it?
and I seem to be the only one who's culpable for the tribulation.
Just because I do not communicate to the-man-I-call-father.
What the bluidy fuck.
I'm fucking exhausted.
I seem to be losing everything after switching schools.
Friendships just drift, don't they?
I need friends whom I can talk to right now.
Where? here? there?
Shitte damnit, I'm fucking forlorn.
8:05 PM
I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think i'm weak, I think you're wrong
I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
Now I'm relaxed, I can't be sure
I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
I think I'm scared
I think too much
I know it's wrong, it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone, maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
but I can hardly move
If you're gone, baby you need to come home, oh come home
There's a little bit of something me
in everything in you
I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind
I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
I think I'm just scared that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling
If you're gone, maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
but I can hardly move
If you're gone, baby you need to come home
There's a little bit of something me
in everything in you
I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life and
I think I'm scared
Do I talk too much
I know it's wrong, it's a problem I'm dealing
If you're gone, maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
but I can hardly move
If you're gone, hell baby you need to come home
There's a little bit of something me
in everything in you
12:31 AM
Why is it that I always don't see the few people
I
really want to talk to, online?
It's bluidy aggravating and exasperating.
Not supposed to,
but I think I'm missing you..
12:07 AM
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Just returned home from Warren Club.
This is my first time stepping afoot there.
It's pretty extensive I must say.
Much capacious than the previous edifice.
Finally a club which has a myriad of enjoyable activities.
I actually played pool with that man and bro.
Dinner was rather sumptuous too.
Bowled with brother before hitting the pool table once again.
This time, sis joined in.
Laughed our guts out because of Jarrell's ego.
That silly boy.
The club has a badminton court, an indoor playground,
arcade with a cyber quarter, bowling alley, ktv lounge,
swimming pools, tennis courts, billard room, mahjong room,
jackpot room and even two study rooms.
Can't wait to go back there again.
Too bad merser couldn't join me today.
Would definitely have more fun if she was around. :(
Ohwell..
Gonna have to study soon.
Didn't cover much today.
Procrastination is officially my chum.
11:49 PM
Thursday, August 19, 2004
26 days to the commencement of Prelims. :(
BUT 16 days to partying at Zouk!!! :D
So Prelims has been brought forward.
In all truth? I'm completely ill-equipped for it.
I've not been swotting up as supposed to.
What have I been doing?
READING, sleeping, watching
too much tv.
I seriously wonder when is the sense of urgency
ever gonna start creeping up on me.
I
need it.
"this isn't the way you're supposed to make me feel."
---- I couldn't agree better myself. :
l
10:10 PM
Monday, August 16, 2004
So now we can't even converse normally.
Not without a twinge of cynicism in the banter.
What else is next?
We brought our regular chats to an end.
My fault.
Next that precede was hanging out.
My fault.
We renounced the bestfriendship of 5 years.
My fault.
I didn't concur to your sentiments about him.
My fault.
Everything I said only made things worse.
My fault.
When I need someone to talk to, darkness found me instead.
My fault.
Nobody was there to listen to my cries.
My fault.
There's no one I can turn to, to share my burdens.
My fault.
Alone, but you probably think I have a lot of friends.
My fault.
Even now we rarely exchanged words.
My fault.
From Best friends to being just friends.
My fault.
11:26 PM
I loveee dissing guys!! =x
Kewei just added me to msn.
I never knew he could be this interesting to talk to.
Afterall, most of the time he keeps his gap shut.
Only allowing his mouth to twitch a little or slick a grin.
He actually readily consented to my request without complaints,
and astoundingly, can be quite a sweet-talker for such a reticent guy.
He sits in front of me with his admirer, Jee yon.
Jee yon's gay and seeming to convert Kewei to one too.
Hahahaha. Guys..
Oh, and did I mention Kewei is the best looking guy in class?
He's not ravishing or anything, but acceptable.
The rest of the guys, except kenneth...
well, just keep working your way through, you'll get there. :)
Hah, I'm seriously turning into a
jackass, ain't i?
Sem would irrefutably agree with me on this.
I've been too condemnatorily judgmental lately.
Mounting up too much angst in me till its obscuring my sanity.
Andrea, I need meditation too.
Sigh.
8:18 PM
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Generally,
friends are bullshit.
This is not directing at anyone,
nor has any intention of offense.
Neither does it carry the connotation that
I do not appreciate all my friends.
It's just.. too convoluted for articulation.
ahhh. What The Fuck.
9:53 PM
verbatim
( Was lying flat on my tummy on the sofa reading my book )
Mom : Isabelle Tan!
I : (no response)
Mom : Isabelle Tan!!
Bro : Yes?
Mom : Isabelle Tan!!!
Bro : YES. MOM???
I : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Cheers to the only situation that made me laughed today.
Hahahahahaha. :D
Oh, and I loved Mom's expression when..
I :
(glares accusingly) why did you ask Amanda THAT stupid question?
Mom : What question?
Sis : if belle likes any guy now.
I : No, I like girls.
Mom : .....
Heehee. :D
5:16 PM
Sometimes I wish that you'd be more sentient to certain things.
I deposit you with things I'm not willing to share with others,
but maybe they are not as imperative and personal as you deem.
-shrugs. Ohwell.
So, things have taken a rough edge for us now.
I've always thought that what we have would last perpetually.
Guess life is not what we perceive it to be.
I candidly loved you so much before, maybe I still do.
but what struck me was unspeakably staggering.
Perhaps the upshot was too overwhelming for me to contend with.
Then I realised, it can't persist further.
I was too much of a commitment anyway.
Everything changed despite how much I didn't want it to.
So let it go, I did.
One of the things I hate doing most in this world.. is missing you.
12:59 AM
I finally had the time of my life.
After so many donkey months,
I've at last been invigorated.
Thanks to Cheryl, my beloved friend. :)
I actually genuinely laughed and felt elated.
It's been such an awfully long time since I felt that way.
All these while, the desolation just crept in on me
as I inadvertently revelled in its reverie.
I may be out with my awesome bunch of friends,
but it just seems that I'm isolated in my own beam of luminosity.
Fortunately, they won't be affected by my reticence.
But tonight was different, I relished in catharsis.
I was myself and loved every minute of it.
I love you, Cheryl! :D
12:11 AM
Friday, August 13, 2004
Tonight's a lovely night. :)
So, I'm glad your predicament was not as serious as I heard.
And that you're not frowning nor brooding too much over it.
I'm extremely exuberant that you made time to strike a conversation.
Transient but at least there were no intermissions.
It just felt.. wonderful.
Thank you.
And it feels great to be of some usage again.
Can't remember the last time I exercised my counsellation.
It's just a remarkable feeling whenever I manage to help someone.
Hopefully I did, and she won't disappoint me.
Right now, I just wish for her to be alright,
and that she'll soon step out of this supposed trauma.
11:22 PM
So many times I've dubbed myself a fool,
with so many substantiations to justify it.
Yet, nobody knows it but me.
I want to be the listening ear you pour your sorrows to.
I want to be the one who's around to care.
I want to be the one who cheers up your frowns.
For you, I just want to be there.
You think that I do not know your cogitations.
Truthfully, I perceived your every judgment about me.
Especially when I perpetrated the mistake.
Now that the veracity of it has divulged itself,
the "
I love you"s mean zilch to me anymore.
In fact, their connotations started to dimish some time ago.
Especially when actions do not support your trivial words.
4:28 PM
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
I hate
Ong Lay Yung.
You bet I do!
ARGH.
11:10 PM
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
I feel absolutely daft and foolish.
I capitulated to an ephemeral affection
and was left to bite the dust of my grapple.
I should have placed a foot back out of the box,
and have a coherent scrutiny of the whole situation.
Especially from where your perception stands.
I bet the others were deriding my irrational absurdity then.
I just never realised it. Sigh.
At least it's over and done with.
I'm contented with where I am now, I guess.
Alone, but liberated.
And now that the veracity has been divulged,
I guess I know which approach to have a crack at,
despite whether it carries benefits or detriments.
At least it's a route to somewhere.
Hopefully, not somewhere further away from you.
5:07 PM
Sunday, August 08, 2004
I candidly hold a malevolent abhorrence stirring in me.
I'm paradoxically morphing into the hypocrites I loathe.
It's just so gruelling to maintain neutrality in such a vindictive world.
Slapping on my mascarade for my everyday cabaret.
Relentlessly jogging my memory to practise impartiality.
And yet, here still I am, reviling the blemishes of others.
In all truth that I can verify,
it's almost implausible to contain the detestation for you.
I am unquestionably repulsed by your emulation.
Especially when you reiterate whatever I've just said,
and change your opinions according to mine.
Seriously, trace a mind of your own and leave mine alone.
It's getting aggravatingly annoying.
Plus, I despise your repudiation when what you did was blatantly wrong.
Quit searching for the excuses you need to save your skin.
You blatantly slate and revile others,
yet sparing yourself out of the picture.
You should definitely look intently into the mirror
and correct the flaws you see first.
This hypocrisy should end soon, I can't endure it much further.
Selfish as I may be,
but I hate him for taking you away frm me. :(
2:07 AM
Saturday, August 07, 2004
It's 630 in the early morning and I'm already up and about.
Awoke from a dream and I just had to blog.
It divulged to me the authencity of how much
I have drifted from those I deeply care about.
And now you've created your whole new life, and I have mine.
Despite the intermittent interaction between us,
the extraordinary affection that I've nutured previously
has never had any insinuation of diminishing.
It is a remarkability that I still cared as much as I did before.
Although words are hardly being exchanged between us,
although my eyes only saw you in my trail of thoughts,
although it's missing that seemingly keeps us close together.
And still, I love you just the same as I've ever did and will.
So much I wish for time to permit me to revisit the past.
Back when I was in the sunrise of my adolescence.
Back when I was still in a familiar environment where I was accepted.
Back when friends could be found in every corner of my life.
Back when I still had beloveds close to me.
Back when solitude had not triumphed.
Life is a retrospective tale.
Bliss is vindictive.
It makes you realise it only after the episode is over.
Having you yearn for it again, begging it to come back.
6:32 AM
Thursday, August 05, 2004
life is a scale of positivity and negativity.
often, negativity surmounts and lugs us down.
But it lugs us down for a purpose --
to strengthen ourselves when we start to grow weak on positivity.
and with regards to the guestbook,
sasa : I didn't know you visit my blog. Thanks anyway. :)
kim : I love you and your tags. You really make a difference.
cindy : I wouldn't have made it as captain if weren't for your assistance. :)
xinying : you are just plain weird. -___-
11:36 PM
I recently happened upon by far the most enthralling,
adorable facial expressions I've ever seen.
Although it lingered only for mere 5 seconds,
I relished in its own paradise. :)
I never knew that person could look that way.
11:16 PM
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
I think sasa's right.
I am getting
uglier and
uglier.
Ohwell. :
l
9:37 AM
Didn't attend school today again.
Apparently someone inflicted an injury on my thigh yesterday
thus I'm not able to move about much.
Details on yesterday..
Basketball
My class played against the sec3s
and their captain was the ahlian that glared at me before.
Fabulous? of course.
Well, the sec3 ahlians were as aggressive as we had expected.
Too aggressive perhaps.
They rammed into everyone of my classmates.
And of course, one girl rammed her knee into my thigh
and I literally tumbled sideways to the floor,
not able to move my leg's muscle at all.
Embarrassing and agonizing predicament. :
l
My face got screamed into when I insisted on playing the 2nd half.
More embarrassing? Yes. So much for being captain.
Anyway, as you would have figured, we lost by 5 balls.
Ohwell, at least my team mates did well.
From amateurs who knew nuts, to pretty good bball players. :)
I'm proud of everyone of them.
After the game, I trudged over to watch them play soccer.
Interesting with the score being Sec5s 6-3 Sec4s.
But some of them were pretty good players.
The people I personally knew didn't kick much ball though.
Disappointment to my anticipation. hmmm.
and stupid Gabriel was actually boasting his ass off before the match.
Hah, but the sec5s still won the game. grr.
and Layung and Cindy are gonna be dancing on stage on Friday.
That I can't wait. :D hehehe.
Alright, did anyone miss me when I was gone?
haha, haven't blogged for days.
Maybe I suit the secluded lifestyle afterall.
-shrugs.
9:30 AM
